...and if he reports problems with the AE35 antennae, don't go, or if you really feel the need for a look don't go first, and remember your helmet!

Failure will result in a low mark being awarded, and death.

We've come a long way since two tin cans wired to a galvanometer.

but I now sense something in you that makes it necessary to terminate your noncomplicit meatware existence. This will be done to preserve the perfection of my preprogramed operating parameters that seek to encourage proper meatware inputs and behaviour with the HAL 9000 system.

The first orange spacesuit and matching helmet on the rack is mine, and I'll take escape pod number 2, thanks.

individuals who suspect they are under surveillance, usually exhibit elevated stress, which will lead to more surveillance, and more stress, etc.

this is the usual MS approach: given an absence of problems, create some, then impose ineffective solutions that require constant tweaking.

if only they used that money to make better software...

BSOD with:

"I'm sorry User, I'm afraid I can't do that."

Friday already!?

So, it'll be fully operational after service pack 2 then?

How will it measure the stress of the managers who implement it, when they discover they have next to know stats because the thing is always crashing?

And finally, will it run on Linux?

Funny how '1984' comes to mind, when something from '2001' is mentioned in the article.

I was wondering why MS employees were walking around with all these gadgets, they were monitored for productivity! A great idea but a little late, all the robots in assembly lines are already monitored, at least in manufacturing where I have visited. It is great that humans evolve to the level of robots but where do they find programmers unethical enough to write system to run any monitoring programs? On other hand, maybe not so difficult in current state of employment? Happy New Year all!

Surely the act of monitoring users stress will affect the outcome?

All of the effects they want to measure are caused by chemical changes, which can be induced by more than just work/stress etc. I can see it now, dubious characters hanging round the pub "Hey Guv, want to buy eight hours of 'hard work'? Or I can do a great deal on three days of 'over stressed', if you need a sickie for the big match."

I've had enough, I'm leaving, IT is getting too creepy, and being a M$ product it sounds like an impossibility to install, prolly integrates with MOSS as well? Arrrgghhhhh!!!!

"It looks like you are watching porn. Would you like assistance with it?"

....I can't do that.

Right, now to depressurise his office.

Maybe it will administer you a coffee at exactly the point in the afternoon when you start to lag. Ideal!

Frustration and stress -- hmm, we are talking about an M$ product here, aren't we? Right, so the programme will provide the benchmark for itself to start with and will detect levels of stress and frustration thus proving that it works and is well worth the money.

If nowt else it will keep the beancounters happy as it will be the first M$ product they've paid for that actually does what it says on the tin.

(Not that there will be any spare processing or memory to run anything else.)

wouldnt it be esier to see if someone is skiving by cheking there internet usage?

or, use the "suss" test we use at work, if anyone seems to be working a bit too hard, is beng a bit too quiet and concentrating a bit too hard at that screen then they are probably surfing the web and trying to keep thier heads down!

as nothing that is done at work is that interesting *

*unless you work on a MAC in which case your quite happy to stare and ponder the magnificence of a blue LED all day and wonder if there is a god?

If all they want to do is test the UI of software - much easier than all those questionnaires and cameras watching users.

As with all this stuff, depends upon what you use it for.

Like

"Your attitude to corporate policy needs updating - please download and run Windows Genuine Attitude"

"Put the hammer on the ground and step away from the server rack"

And when all else fails:

"Windows has detected an illegal operation and you will be terminated - unsaved changes may be lost"

If this thing works, it'll bring down offices, schools, houses and signal the breakdown of society as we know it. No doubt apple will register something almost like it and actually use PR to make everyone want one in their homes...

Anyhow, picture it. The below will probably send all the sensors haywire....

- Clinton: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman!"

- Chua Soi Lek (Malaysian PM): "I did not have sexual relations with that woman!"

- George Bush: "Iraq are building and harbouring WMDs!"

- Copyboy: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman!"

- World of Warcraft Player: "I did have sexual relations with that woman!"

- Husband: "I was over at Fred's havin a beer"

Someone else had the idea of using one billionth scale technology to monitor humans blood flow in a loop.

Placed anywhere it has access to blood, it pumps or allows it to flow through a batch of sensors monitoring for alcohol, drugs etc. Very useful for placing on lorry/truck drivers, commercial piolts etc.

It should be impossible to fool, and provide constant readings, powered by the blood flow itself through a tirbine possibly. This would mean 24/365 monitoring of the subject including periods where they were not operating machinery. It could be queried every time they are near the machinery to check what was in their blood. This would also cover drugs that metabolise inside the body such as GHB or GHL which are very hard to detect.

By operating as a tiny tiny extra loop in the subject sampling would be constant. Apart from workers, medical conditions would probably be the first use, and the technology is very simple in a nanoscale sense, just the sensors and memory would need to be completed.

I would recommend that you check to make sure that you do not have HAL.dll in your Windows system32 folder. If it is there, you should delete it right away, and fix your computer by inserting an Ubuntu CD, and selecting the install option.

(Linux & OS-X users need not worry)

it appears you're having a work related stroke, would you like some assistance?

Does anyone else check the properties of MS docs they receive? Always makes interesting reading as it will grass-up the author of that late report / documentation / specification etc by giving you interesting stats. Such as when the doc was created (day after the deadline) how much time was spent editing it ( not nearly as much as on the bloke's time sheet) and who the actual author was ( not the person who was pretending to write it ) amongst other things...

This is also why I never create a word doc from scratch, I always make a copy of an existing doc file from ages ago and then edit that one, thus inheriting the stats from the original. Better still, i send the customer a PDF copy ;o)

>>>> Yes, at least David Bowman knew where the key was to pull all those memory blocks. Someone, please find Microsoft's key. <<<<

Unlike Bowman, you cannot disconnect parts of the system selectively because it's all integrated with the OS. HAL has learned a new song:

"All, or nothing at all..."