back to article So, does anyone in UK.gov actually know what G-Cloud is for? Apparently not

Data centre supplier Ark has backtracked over the length of a G-Cloud deal with the Ministry of Defence - insisting the contract is actually for two years not ten, as it had originally indicated. Ark initially told us the deal is a "major consolidation and centralisation project" which will "generate significant savings to the …

  1. IT Hack

    Liam Maxwell - recruitment agent.

    Jesus wept.

    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

      But then he morphed into shotgun Jesus and proceeded to righteously clean up.

  2. WibbleMe

    I'm sure some of them think its for Candy Crush, especially if your a Tory MP in a boring committee meeting

  3. xyz Silver badge

    They probably think it's something to do with a G-spot

    and therefore liable to be banned by mumsnet.

    For something that should be common sense and bloody useful what happens is this...

    .Gov sysAdmin1: I need a data centre

    .Gov sysAdmin2: I have a data centre

    .Gov sysAdmin1: I'm not using your data centre because I'll have no control over my data

    .Gov sysAdmin2: I'm not letting you use my data centre because I'll have no control over security.

    .Gov sysAdmin1: I'm phoning Capita

    .Gov sysAdmin2: So am I.

    Capita: Welcome friends, much cheapness for you, come into my parlour.

    1. Daniel Hedley

      Re: They probably think it's something to do with a G-spot

      This is the most pithy, masterful summary of government IT policy I have ever read.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: They probably think it's something to do with a G-spot

      That's at the systems level. The conversation at the management level goes like this:

      Civil service middle manager 1: We've been contracted to modernise our IT function

      Civil service middle manager 2: Modernise how?

      Civil service middle manager 1: Modernise so that we don't need as many people running around with bits of paper.

      Civil service middle manager 2: So if the project is successful you'll have a smaller empire and may not have a job at all?

      Civil service middle manager 1: It looks that way.

      Civil service middle manager 2: What happens if it isn't successful?

      Civil service middle manager 1: In that case we'll need to take on extra staff to handle the fallout and my empire will grow. Plus if we use one of our usual suppliers then they'll take the blame as long as we promise to give them the next contract too.

      Civil service middle manager 2: I'm phoning Capita.

      Civil service middle manager 1: I think Fujitsu are a better fit here. They did the NHS contract.

      Civil service middle manager 2: Great idea.

  4. BearishTendencies

    Your headline is all wrong

    They know exactly what G-Cloud is for. Ignoring public tendering rules.

    YAY! GO GDS!

  5. Frankee Llonnygog

    Assurance should be crowd sourced

    Bong!

  6. Dr Who

    Grease is the word

    Does the Crown Hosting Service take me to major international sporting events? No it does not.

    Does the Crown Hosting Service have a plush office in the West End and does it take me to a 3 Michelin star restaurant for lunch after meetings there? No it does not.

    Does the Crown Hosting Service even know what a round of golf is? No it does not.

  7. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
    Trollface

    There! Look!

    What does it say? What language is that?

    Brother Maynard, you're our scholar!

    It is Marketanic-Governementese!!

    Of course. Smoothtalk of Procuriatana!

    Of course.

    What does it say?

    It reads, "Here may be found...

    "...the last words of Mark Craddock, former lead for G-Cloud buyers:

    "'He who is valiant and pure of spirit...

    "'...may find the Holy Savings of Energy...

    "'...in the Data Centre of Arrrkkkkk."'

    Come on!

    That's what it says.

  8. Stevie

    Bah!

    Each serving of this Chocolate Bar contains 3 grams of saturated fat and 20 grams of sugar.

    ...

    etc

    ...

    etc

    ...

    Serving Size: 1/37th of a bar.

  9. adminspotting

    Men trying to look menacing

    Works better if your rifle has a magazine in it...

    And desert camo works better in the desert...

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    SME CEO "It's cost me £££ to get onto G-Cloud and I've not got any business through it"

    GDS "You didn't follow our web UI guidance of using 18point comic sans"

  11. NeilPost Silver badge

    Government IT - Yet again beggaring belief.

    24 months maximum contract for Cloud Hosting - What fuckwit came up with this ? Someone in procurement, on secondment from Reverse Tendering for national contracts for boxes or chips or bog-roll ?

    1. BearishTendencies

      Indeed.....but it's not a procurement policy......

      That fuckwittery is straight out of the world leading technical experts with huge experience in running system critical, secure, Government scale solutions. Sorry, I mean the world leading technical experts in reskinning websites.

      YAY! GO GDS!

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