back to article Who would code a self-destruct feature into their own web browser? Oh, hello, Apple

“Put down the sacrificial dagger and step away from the goat.” Tsk, typical. I make all the effort of finding a remote hillock in Wales and an inexpensive black doe for my pagan ritual and I’m not even halfway through the banishing ceremony. It’s wet and cold and the trailing edges of my robes are muddy, and now some norm in a …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    This!!!

    Literally most of this!!!

    1. MyffyW Silver badge

      Let me be the first to sing...

      LET It go, let it GO

      </disneyprincess>

      1. Vinyl-Junkie
        Happy

        Re: Let me be the first to sing...

        You weren't - see my post on the next page (at the moment); two hours before yours! :)

        1. MyffyW Silver badge

          Re: Let me be the first to sing...

          I bow to your claim to prior-art @Vinyl-Junkie :-)

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Here is some more "this" then:

      Safari also doesn't like you click buttons and links too quickly. If you do, you will be told that the webserver has unexpectedly shut down the connection which is utter tosh, and the bug shows a strict adherence to Murphy's law insofar that it pulls this one if you're just about to confirm some major config change that took ages to get right.

      Which is why I now use Firefox for that sort of work (no, sorry, not interested in Google code on my Mac).

      And don't get me started on Mail either.

      1. Sam Liddicott

        Sounds to me like an objective c++ paradigm flaw.

        It's easy to write async lambdas all over the place but it doesn't mean that your code can cope with state changes in the mean time.

        Which reminds me, I think it was MSIE 2, I clicked to print a page and focus returned back to the browser while it was printing. I immediately guessed that if I navigated to another page while it was printing, the browser would crash.

        And it did. Changing page WHILE it was printing was like replacing a paving stoe with a banana skin.

        1. Wzrd1 Silver badge

          "Sounds to me like an objective c++ paradigm flaw.'

          Sounds like shit coding to me.

          "And it did. Changing page WHILE it was printing was like replacing a paving stoe with a banana skin."

          See the above.

          Why, oh why do software companies keep hiring infinite numbers of monkeys, then release the first thing that they bang out that compiles?

    3. N13L5

      Crapple, Greedle and Microshaft - get them out of your life...

      But jeez, just cut the stupid internet connection :p

      It won't be going to any sites.

      Still, your overall point is true enough, hence the title

      The goal of software companies has changed from enabling business to blocking you and wasting as much of your time as possible, if you remain unwilling to get sucked into Farmville and the like.

    4. Mark 65

      Alistair, meet convenience. Convenience is the modern day replacement for intelligence. Intelligence has been consigned to the waste bin because it just wasn't convenient.

  2. Alister

    He has now ditched Chrome and is rediscovering Firefox, a browser he has not installed, let alone launched, for years.

    Oh dear.

    Sorry Alistair, but that's not going to save the goat.

    1. Dan 55 Silver badge

      Firefox WORKSFORME, WONTFIX.

      That's what it says all over Bugzilla.

      We're not listening... la la la...

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        I'm tracking around 50 bugs, some which I filed, and I think one was fixed in 2015.

        Realistically Google are the only ones with the resources to build a webbrowser, and the spec is only growing more sprawling every month. That scares me, because Google aren't neutral and their agenda is beginning to shine though.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          The problem with Chrome

          Is you can never get away from Big Brother Google tracking everything you do.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: The problem with Chrome

            Google analytics is browser agnositc.

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: The problem with Chrome

              Google analytics is browser agnostic

              .. and Do Not Track agnostic - it ignores that setting from all browsers, hoping you fall for the "install this thing from us to prevent us tracking you" ploy.

            2. Stoneshop
              Devil

              Re: The problem with Chrome

              Google analytics is browser agnositc.[sic]

              My hostsfile is too.

          2. pauly

            Re: The problem with Chrome

            Is Iron the answer?

        2. Ilgaz

          WebKit is open source too and I am sure there are many bugs over there too. In fact, I bet similar stuff is going on at Chrome project.

          That is how open source works, not so perfect but at least better than Microsoft way.

        3. Doctor_Wibble
          Trollface

          Revolutionary statement!

          > their agenda is beginning to shine though.

          If it's shining then that is proof that you *can* polish a turd!

        4. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          "Realistically Google are the only ones with the resources to build a webbrowser"

          Realistically? Google came into being because the web already existed. It existed because there were browsers that other people had built.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Holmes

      Goat?

      it began as a doe, was a goat for a bit but is clearly RAM in the photo... Methinks Dabbsy needs to spend less time enjoying that green, green grass --->

      1. Gray
        Angel

        Oh, yummies

        Nanny goats are good to eat, unpissed upon by the Billy;

        Billy goats are foul and rank, behold, they drink their piss

        to woo the nanny wi' randy tongue, to mount 'er, silly Billy!

        'Tis very much akin The Trump, his randy tongue,

        his givin' us the piss!

        - - -

        Vote 2016. It don't count fer shite,

        'n it keeps the pollsters up all nite.

        1. ElectricRook

          Re: Oh, yummies

          That has the makings of a fun poem, needs some tuning.

      2. macjules

        We all know that if you mention 'ram' and 'Apple' you get 'hog'.

  3. T_o_u_f_ma_n
    Pint

    TFI Friday

    That's how I like my Dabbs... Utterly stark raving mad. Just the way I feel when a web browser refuses to handle even the simplest of webpage for unknown reasons.

    Err... Obligatory question... Have you tried Firefox ?

    Have a beer

    1. theModge

      Re: TFI Friday

      I concur re:enjoying the madness. I must however draw your attention towards the greyed out biography box at the end, which answers your question.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: TFI Friday

      I reckon the big question should be: "Euh... why did you think of Chrome first instead of Firefox?"

  4. Lee D Silver badge

    Try and see what happens when Chrome hits the Steam Community Market pages which eventually cause the "redirect loop" message to appear.

    I guarantee that no matter how many times you clear cookies or whatever, it will come back eventually.

    And there is NO way to configure how many HTTP redirects you want to allow, or turn it off, or access the page when it decides it's redirected too much. And there have been bugs open for years for exactly this problem.

    Sadly, this also infects every Chrome-based browser (Vivaldi, etc.), which is probably why the Steam in-built browser is actually WebKit.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      I'd just like the correct language on the Steam pages. It keeps thinking I'm in some other land (no, no VPN and no idea why it will not revert back permanently).

      1. Fibbles

        Does the same for me sometimes, especially in their community forums. My Swedish is improving though.

  5. ukgnome

    Pagan ceremony is no good when tackling browser issues, what you need is dark magic.

    1. Dan 55 Silver badge

      Dark magic is zapping the PRAM, there's nothing more cargo cult than that. Thank heavens they took repairing the permissions out of disk utility.

      Post your problem in Apple's forums and the first reply you get is "Have ye repaired the permissions and zapped the PRAM? Eeeh? Have ye?"

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        pee ram

        This first question comes to mind with regards to modern PC's Mac's: Do they STILL have Pee ram?

    2. Solmyr ibn Wali Barad

      Re: dark magic

      I have a nagging suspicion that web browsers are spawns of dark magic. In that case, it would be folly to throw any further amounts at them, it only makes them stronger.

      Well-aimed lightning bolts have somewhat better chances. If your Mac is reduced to a smoldering ruin, then evil ghosts will have to leave. Probably.

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: dark magic

        Ah... is the need to sacrifice goats why we refer to "the nanny state"?

      2. Rol

        Re: dark magic

        I have often penned letters to the BBC requesting that their dramas be more realistic, showing full frontal nudity and graphic sex scenes uncensored in their entirety, but hey ho, they just don't listen.

        However, when I write to the developers of internet browsers, asking them to accommodate, cross site-scripting, injected code, and lots of other useful tools for the wannabe merchants of malevolence, they drop everything and gleefully get on with turning, arguably the greatest invention of modern times, into the seven headed, nine i'd, beast of regressive morality.

        I can't see or hear what I'm looking for, for the cacophony of whistles and bells that are thrust at me.

        Grr, a hideous pox on all their houses.

        ...Err, is that goat and dagger still handy?

    3. Teiwaz

      Clearly you need the Necrotelecomnicon.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        dark magic

        Have you tried my EVANGELION web browser? Now being shipped to unsupecting high school students in Japan. Comes in four distinct color schemes, and we are working on a better automated one (it will one come in "white with some crimson" though).

  6. Franco

    Firefox is working for me. Has it's downsides though, I had to anoint myself with deadly nightshade and that smell gets right into the pores.

    Occasionally I wish for the good old days of using Netscape Navigator. Then I remember Netscape Communicator and the moment swiftly passes.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      the real thing

      I think I read somewhere that Apple requies both Mozilla and Google to use the same toolkit as Safari, at least on iOS. So much for innovation and competition. Just another walled garden, for what? To make a fashion statement? Self-inflicted wounds, these be?

    2. noj

      Working for me too. Each browser has its pros and cons; there's no one size fits all. I use three browsers: Tor, Firefox (with lots of privacy add ons), and Safari. Which one I use depends on what I'm doing. I consider it leveraging the strengths of each browser rather than pushing it to do something its not good at.

    3. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge

      Ah, Netscape Navigator

      Still remember that, and Mosaic (which still supported gopher)

      There were of course so few websites in the days of Mosaic that you could conceivably test your browser on all of them

      Now I tend to use Firefox under Linux and Windows, and Chrome on Android. Works for me.

  7. chivo243 Silver badge

    I was 5 or 6

    ... push my fist through plate glass and drag my wrists along its edges, - 20 some sutures later...

    I actually had this Safari problem too... I wasn't looking for any hills in Wales, but the phone number of a good therapist... Then I unchecked everything under Search in Safari Preferences.

    1. Dan 55 Silver badge

      Re: I was 5 or 6

      I would say I didn't have this problem with Safari because I unchecked the privacy-invading stuff which causes the problem when I originally upgraded to Yosemite, but then I realised I don't use Safari anyway.

      1. chivo243 Silver badge
        Facepalm

        Re: I was 5 or 6

        @Dan 55

        Excellent advice, run away... Got some tips? I am open to suggestions. Camino was my choice back in the day. Now I have many accounts to manage, and would like Chrome's nose out of my bidnus.... Don't mention FF, and I have tried Vivaldi, bookmark import helli... have I covered your suggestion?

        Got sane tips?

        Please share!

        1. Montreal Sean

          Re: I was 5 or 6

          Lynx browser for Mac? Last updated in 2014...

  8. David Roberts
    Joke

    Nice to know..

    ....that Apple have finally achieved full Windows compatability.

    [Around 95 or ME if my failing memory serves me.]

    Yes, I know, cheap and obvious but somehow irresistible all the same.

    1. djstardust

      Re: Nice to know..

      Not with iTunes. It's still shit.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Nice to know..

        You'd have to sacrifice the whole population of London in order to upgrade iTunes into a simply dreadful programme. Anything less and you just make it stronger.

        1. jelabarre59

          Re: Nice to know..

          > You'd have to sacrifice the whole population of London in order to upgrade iTunes into a simply dreadful programme. Anything less and you just make it stronger.

          .

          The only reason I ever installed whyTunes (and in a MSWin VM at that, since it just refuses to work under Wine) was to use a $50 gift card I got. And you know what? Over a year later, I still have $12 credit on it (the jPop selection on whyTunes stinks).

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