back to article BALLMER TO RETIRE FROM MICROSOFT

Steve Ballmer is leaving identity crisis-hit Microsoft. The software maker's chief announced his intention to retire from MS within the next year. He said: "There is never a perfect time for this type of transition, but now is the right time." Whomever the new boss of Microsoft will be, he or she has a big job ahead of them …

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      1. Cave Homme

        Re: Thanks, I was trying to think of a suitable replacement

        After ruining Nokia Elop will ruin MS completely.

  1. Don Jefe

    Phone Call

    Steve, hey, Bill here. Look, we both know you're not happy in this role. You've sat in the big chair for a while and I'm thinking now might be a good time to move on. You can write a book and I've got a donor facing position at the Foundation you can have if you want it.

    Let's go ahead and make the announcement this week. I'll shoot you a list of potential candidates and you can start planning your transition gala. Ok? Ok.

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Happy

      Re: Phone Call

      Is the definition of a 'donor facing position' that they're planning to harvest his organs?

      Or did you mean something else, and I've just got a disturbed mind?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Phone Call

        'donor facing' means

        "Contribute N millions (where N is a very large number) or we will make all your windows systems go <redacted>"

        "S*d off Balmer"

        Balmer picks up phone.

        "Do it."

        One hour later the CEO's phone starts ringing off the hook. All their systems have blue screened and can't be rebooted.

        Companies will 'donate' lots in order to avoid this.

        anon simply due to that fact that I have to use Win7 at work.

        1. hplasm
          Happy

          Re: Donor Facing Position

          He's the guy that slices the greasy spinning meat-log.

  2. Flocke Kroes Silver badge

    Wait until you find out who is next

    I know it would be hard to find anybody worse but I am sure Microsoft will search diligently until they succeed.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Wait until you find out who is next

      Microsoft will find someone worse. YES! Another BALLMER FAILLL!

      1. Lazslo Anton Zapotec

        Re: Wait until you find out who is next

        I predict the Board of Directors will outsource/offshore the CEO position to Infosys. What could possibly go wrong?

  3. Wibble
    Pint

    Bunga bunga party time!

    But who will be the oaf that throws chairs and phones around?

    1. Frankee Llonnygog

      Re: Bunga bunga party time!

      Are you hinting they should give the role to Berlusconi? That would be ... different

      1. Mephistro
        Devil

        Re: Bunga bunga party time!

        "Are you hinting they should give the role to Berlusconi? That would be ... different"

        If they are looking for someone adept at screwing customers, Berlusconi has lots of experience in that sort of activities. And the company events would be much more interesting.

  4. Kevin Johnston

    Careful now

    While the share value may have bounced, will there be enough left of the company to drag it away from the abyss?

    With the recent impact (and reversals) of Windows8 on the PC side of things and the good old XBox180 on the console side (oops sorry, that should be XBoxOne), does MS have the will, skills and products to turn things around. The comments about Windows 9 ignore the reality that short of a Windows7 Megapack then you would be looking at a minimum of a year to put a new OS together and if it was just a tweak to Win7 how would that be a revenue source?

    Almost every successful product line has been contaminated and many of them were 4th order iterations of something that was good and right where each iteration seemed to add more baggage and less function than the one before.

    Will be interesting to see how many MS staff take advantage of the share price and do a runner.

  5. Levente Szileszky

    HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    YESSSS, finally, ABOUT FREAKIN' TIME!

    Let's slaughter the Ballmerian Chimera, let the heads roll, let Microsoft finally reinvent itself...

    ...HALLELUJAH!

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Time to bring back Stephen Elop from Nokia?

    1. Charlie Clark Silver badge
      Go

      Probably worth a bet. Nokia could get absorbed and manage the hardware division - might actually improve things if their able to piss on the Windows team from inside the tent.

    2. Cave Homme

      Time to bring back Stephen Elop from Nokia?

      That's either sarcasm or you live in another universe?

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    .... and there was much rejoicing.

    'Nuff said.

    It probably speaks volumes about Microsoft's shareholders that the chair-chucking gorilla has lasted as long as he has.

    But then again, he's set for life so why should he care about the damage done?

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Ding-dong the witch is dead

  9. Andrew Moore

    Interesting...

    ...today being National Potato Day and all that. There has to be a connection

    1. jai

      Re: Interesting...

      Well he did say "There is never a perfect time for this type of transition, but now is the right time." so i think you might be right.

    2. Wade Burchette
      Joke

      Re: Interesting...

      Maybe this is Steve Ballmer 2.0?

      http://a.tgcdn.net/images/products/zoom/eb0a_portal_2_potatos_science_kit_anim.gif

  10. TRT Silver badge
    Devil

    Never waiting for perfection, just doing it now because...

    A bit like the OS release schedule then.

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Tremors III - Return to Perfection?

  11. PhilipN Silver badge

    Poisoned chalice, anyone?

    Just great. He starts a massive reorganization then buggers off to leave someone else, who probably would have done it in an entirely different way, to soldier on and explain why it failed.

    Way to go, Stevie.

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    Real reason

    The BBC site implies the real reason - https://twitter.com/36Sto58N/status/370908566707658752/photo/1

    For those who can't be bothered, the next news item says ""Seized pet monkey returned to owners."

  13. Tom 7

    And there was much rejoicing

    until they realised that if Balmer had realised it was time to go then MS bust be more screwed than a very screwed thing at the world marathon screwing competition.

  14. Paul Webb
    Pint

    "Microsoft shares are already up nearly 9 per cent"

    Says it all really - if it was a proper 'internetty' company then it would be 900%.

  15. Shonko Kid
    Devil

    "Microsoft shares are already up nearly 9 per cent"

    But shares in the Seattle Chair Company have just bombed :-(

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: "Microsoft shares are already up nearly 9 per cent"

      This could be good.

      Or it could mean they have skynet ready and are going for the big "switch on".

  16. jb99

    Back to software...

    Hopefully they'll get back to making software for computers.

    Not trying to switch to making software for phones or shiny toys.

    Not trying to build expensive hardware.

    But making great software for general purpose computers.

    Yeah, I don't expect so either

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Linux

      Re: Back to software...

      But making great software for general purpose computers.

      Well, there's a first time for everything ...

      1. Dom 3

        Re: Back to software...

        Microsoft doesn't exist to make software.

        It exists to make money for the company's owners.

  17. btrower

    Huh

    I am surprised. It is undoubtedly the best course of action, but I thought he would cling to power.

    Want somebody to really shoot the stock price through the roof? Bring back Billy. I am no fan of Mr. Gates, but I can't imagine he could do worse.

  18. Colin Ritchie
    Windows

    There is never a perfect time...

    This article from 2010 kinda points to the perfect time, about 3 years ago to be precise:

    http://www.mondaynote.com/2010/05/30/ballmer-just-opened-the-second-envelope/

    Apparently he opened the 2nd envelope twice...... he probably knew what was in the 3rd one already.

  19. N2

    Long overdue

    But was he pushed or did he fall?

  20. P_0
    Joke

    In unrelated news, shares in Redmond based chair manufacturers slumped over 10% today.

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Uncle fester was no longer lighting those lightbulbs up.

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "There's never a perfect time, but now is the right time"

    The first day of the job, back in 200,0 one would have thought.

  23. chiller

    Better the devil you know than the devil you don't.

    I'll risk the one I don't know thanks.

  24. Anomalous Cowshed

    Poor guy

    Poor guy - he says: "I'm off" and within minutes the US stock exchange answers "+9% = so glad to see you go, scumbag!". Way to go...

  25. TiddlyPom

    Microsoft needs to adapt to competition, learn cooperation and not be dependent on monopoly

    For as long as Steve Ballmer can remember, computer users have used personal computers are their primary computing device and these personal computers have been pre-loaded with Microsoft software. This has meant (in effect) an enforced monopoly for computer users and a guaranteed income for Microsoft. In addition, Microsoft prevented competition by rigourously enforcing their own proprietary 'standards'. Not for much longer. Many users do not have PCs any more - just phones and tablets. In addition, many of these devices are far more web centric and standards complient than any Microsoft based software. Personal Computers are not dead just yet (especially in business) but the percentage of users that cannot get their work done without Microsoft software has dropped significantly.

    In my opinion, Steve Ballmer is an inherent part of the old world and has not adapted well to the current situation. Opportunities are out there to make money across the computing world. Make Office 365 work equally well on Windows PCs, Apple Macs, Linux PCs, iPads and Android Tablets perhaps even iPhones and Android phones and you are on to a winner. Provide services that people want and can interoperate with other vendors/open source software and people will trust you. Create devices (like the XBox One) that work well as a home hub and you will make a fortune.

    Microsoft need to stop their anti-competitive practices and start working with other companies and increase their market share by creating products or services that people want - like in the good old days when Bill Gates was in charge.

  26. Frances Banana
    Holmes

    Ballmer outsmarted them ALL

    There are different ways to leave the battlefield - in glory, in shame, through the neutral door or by doing a Nero trick and burning everything.

    Stevo knew that glory isn't for him - and shame wasn't an option and neutrality has been closed by what we all know Win8 etc.

    There it is: Nero trick! ;) Reorganize the corporation, shuffle everything so that it takes at least 2 years for bean counters to provide any reliable and reasonable metrics. Leave just after.

    Pretty much: "look how nice it's burning"...

    1. pepper

      Re: Ballmer outsmarted them ALL

      So.. Steve Balmer is the Joker(from batman)?

  27. Robinson

    Really?

    Shares up 9%?

    Ahahaha. That's kind of funny.

  28. Jo 5
    Coat

    Ding dong the witch is d... oh sorry that was Thatcher.

    /coat gotten

  29. Benchops

    Retiring?

    I heard he got a job with Google.

    "WHERE DO I THROW THE CHAIR? WHERE DO I THROW THE CHAIR?"

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Anyone excited to see Balmer go

    Clearly has no concept of what a nightmare executive recruitment can be. There are plenty of ways to make Microsoft worse than it is already, and precious few who can avoid them,

    1. hplasm
      Linux

      Re: Anyone excited to see Balmer go

      That's not my idea of a nightmare.

  31. xehpuk

    So when will Elop go? Nokia shares would jump 20%.

  32. Zola
    Thumb Down

    What a shame

    Now they might get someone who knows what they're doing.

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