back to article $500 TEDDY BEAR teaches tots to spit up personal data

Babies can now enjoy the thrill of wearable health monitors, as well as giving away their personal data for free, thanks to the arrival of a $499 teddy bear called “Teddy The Guardian”. You read that right: the teddy's price is just one dollar shy of five hundred. You're paying the big bucks for the bear's “smart paw” that …

  1. Ketlan
    Thumb Down

    Creepy

    I find this a tad disturbing. Whatever happened to parents just checking on their kids from time to time to make sure they're okay?

    1. Cliff

      Re: Creepy - Betrayal!!

      Teddies are supposed to be confidants, not snitches. I would have been horrified to learn that Rupert had been secretly taking notes and grassing me up to the grown ups.

      1. Christoph

        Re: Creepy - Betrayal!!

        Even worse if Hobbes had been doing that.

        1. Richard Taylor 2

          Re: Creepy - Betrayal!!

          Cats get away with murder. Large ones doubly so.....

    2. JDX Gold badge

      Re: Creepy

      Parents have been using baby monitors for decades so really this is in that mold, not some new development.

      Still way OTT though, you'd be constantly freaking out "oh no his heart-rate is 2bmp faster than normal what's wrong"

    3. Scoular

      Re: Creepy

      This product is aimed at the cashed up "Guilty Mums" who are suckers for buying whatever promises to be good for the child. The fact that it is probably going to be no more than a useless toy is irrelevant if it is correctly advertised. Real parents for millennia have managed with just checking the kid out every so often. They are actually pretty tough (been a parent a few times) and seem quite able to make a noise if upset or want attention.

  2. LaeMing
    Unhappy

    Pedobear

    Always ready to violate a child's ... privacy.

    ...

    (that final word doesn't make the sentence better at all!)

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    4 seconds?

    I can see that working well. After all, babies will always hold the correct hand and not the other hand or the ear or a foot. And they'll do it for the required amount of time in the right way.

    There is SO much baby tat out there and this pretty much tops the pile of Things That Won't Work.

    1. Kristian Walsh Silver badge

      Re: 4 seconds?

      Agree. Who thought that babies have such good motor skills that they'd be able to grip the sensor in the first place?

      By the time a child can actually hold the thing reliably, they're old enough to shout for attention.

      The most important function of a monitor is to detect if a baby stops moving, not to measure their temperature or heartrate, so you'll still need to shell out for a sleep monitor..

      And as for measuring heart-rate in the first place, I'm reminded of George S. Patton's (paraphrased, and possibly apocryphal) quote: "just because you can measure something doesn't mean that it's worth a damn to know it"

  4. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge

    What odds will the bookies give on

    The baby ...

    1. throws it out of the cot/pram/playpen

    2. manages to break it within a day

    3. has it stolen by an elder sibling so it's never in the right place

    4. consistently holds it in the wrong way

    5. is terrified by the glowing heart

    1. JDC

      Re: What odds will the bookies give on

      6. Just ignores it.

      Babies in my experience don't really play with bears or dolls.

      1. P. Lee

        Re: What odds will the bookies give on

        >Babies in my experience don't really play with bears or dolls.

        Wooden spoon and a saucepan lid will do nicely. Failing that, toes are an endless source of amusement.

  5. Blergh

    What a waste of money

    1. Aimed at the wrong age group of babies. Newborns, which are the ones new parents worry about in this way, can't hold anything let alone find this teddy's paw for 4 seconds. Once they're capable of such interaction the biggest worrys are that they don't fall from height head first onto concrete, run in front of a car, drink bleach etc...

    2. Even if this did work they things you buy your kids and the things they like to play with are usually completely different things. Even if they loved it when they were in the shop.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: What a waste of money

      "things they like to play with are usually completely different things..."

      Usually the wrapping paper or box the toy came in.

      1. dogged

        Re: What a waste of money

        charging cables, toilet rolls, cat food, cat litter, the contents of the dishwasher/washing machine, oven doors, remote controls, anything fragile and expensive/dangerous when broken and bloody Duplo, which is not quite the landmine for the unsuspecting bare foot that Lego is but it's close.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: What a waste of money

          My niece (along time ago) shoved jam on toast into my sisters top of the range Bang and Olufsen VCR. £800 repair bill. Ouch

  6. This post has been deleted by its author

  7. Da Weezil

    Its a spooks wet dream... another step closer to a population under surveillance from the day it is born, we already have a generation of kids unconcerned by cctv monitoring, this just ups things another notch.

    Seriously Creepy.

    1. JDX Gold badge

      I think you're overthinking this.

  8. Neil Barnes Silver badge

    it operates “much like a mother's soothing touch ...

    Or you could just use, say, a mother's soothing touch...

    https://www.google.co.uk/?gws_rd=ssl#q=i+always+do+what+teddy+says

    1. P. Lee

      Re: it operates “much like a mother's soothing touch ...

      >Or you could just use, say, a mother's soothing touch...

      Don't be silly, mummy is far too busy sharing both their personal data on facebook, including the fact that they have a $500 stuffed toy.

      I've never understood the monitor thing. If the baby's heart has stopped, what realistically, are you likely to do and are you likely to be able to do it in a reasonable timeframe? Once you've woken up, stumbled through the house, etc.

  9. Kevin Fairhurst

    As a parent with a toddler...

    I can guarantee that this is a complete and utter waste of time. On the offchance that the child does actually take an interest in the teddy, it will :

    not hold the correct paw most of the time

    not hold the correct paw for a duration of four seconds, in the event that the child does hold the correct paw

    will chew or attempt to chew the paw containing electronics - lets hope they're spit-proof!

    will use the teddy to hit things, or will hit the teddy with other things

    will find surprising new places for the teddy to live e.g. behind the tv, in the kitchen bin, in the dishwasher

    Given the price of wearable tech these days, and the price of childrens toys, how anyone would agree to pay more than $100 I don't know. Even a hundred bucks is TOO DAMN MUCH for this, given what it does, let alone five hundred!

    But the biggest failing... as there always comes a time when teddy needs to take a trip around the washing machine, can you disconnect the electroncs in this thing? Or like the sleepsuit from a favourite uncle does it need to go straight in the bin the first time it gets splattered with unwanted bodily excretions?

    1. dogged

      Re: As a parent with a toddler...

      From a very early early age, my little monster has savagely disassembled every stuffed toy he's been given. Grandparents still keep giving them, we either hide 'em fast or prepare to clean up a lot of stuffing.

      To be fair, there was the "new baby" doll the Mrs got him to prepare him for the imminent arrival of the next monster next month but that was pretty solid plastic and mostly he beats the cat with it.

      My guess is that this came from a marketing exec who has either a) no kids or b) a nanny.

    2. Kerry Hoskin

      Re: As a parent with a toddler...

      totally agree! Our little girls (she's nearly 3) favourite thing is the cunningly named Cat Cat (Marie from the Aristorcats) she has had this since she was very young and takes it just about everywhere, so Cat Cat needs a regular bath, visit to the washing machine!

    3. Mark 85

      Re: As a parent with a toddler...

      Given the price of wearable tech these days, and the price of childrens toys, how anyone would agree to pay more than $100 I don't know.

      Simples... it's cute, cuddly and about to be heavily promoted. It's thinking of the children. :) All it will really need though to fly off the shelves is some TV idol (Oprah?) to endorse it and tell everyone they "must have this"..... Gotta' love the shills and the sheeple* that follow them.

      *I realize I'm treading on someone's copyright of this word and will send the requisite fee as soon as I know where to send it. Please post full detail such as name, addy, bank account number.

  10. ukgnome

    This appears to be a solution looking for a problem.

    1. Gotno iShit Wantno iShit

      Au contraire ukgnome, the problem is well known - how to part a fool and their money.

    2. JDX Gold badge

      With baby crap that's all you need to sell, sometimes... play on the worried parents' insecurities about their ability to look after the child.

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

      2. jake Silver badge

        Let me fix that for you, JDX.

        "play on the worried parents' insecurities about their inability to look after the child."

        1. dogged

          Re: Let me fix that for you, JDX.

          Let me fix that for you, jake -

          "play on the grandparents' insecurities about the exhausted parents' inability to look after the child."

          Parents aren't usually the market for this shit - they're too busy and too tired. "Helpful" grandparents, on the other hand...

          1. Message From A Self-Destructing Turnip

            Re: Let me fix that for you, JDX.

            I think JDX got it right, if I am insecure about my inability then that suggests confidence in my ability.

  11. jake Silver badge

    Nearly 60 years ago, my parents started raising me.

    Nearly 30 years ago, I started helping to raise my daughter.

    Three and a half years ago, my grandchild came into the world.

    This kind of thingie wouldn't have been useful anywhere in that timeframe.

    1. JDX Gold badge

      Re: Nearly 60 years ago, my parents started raising me.

      That seems a poor argument, regardless how useless this particular product is.

      1. jake Silver badge

        @JDX (was: Re: Nearly 60 years ago, my parents started raising me.)

        A poor argument, JDX?

        Your multi-great-Grandmother lived in East Africa, probably over 100,000 years ago. The same woman was also likely my multi-great-Grandmother[1]. Not a single family in the ensuing years seemed to have had a need for this kind of contraption. We ARE here, today, right?

        Marketards, on the other hand? They only live for this week's profit ...

        [1] Like it or not, we are probably cousins. As is everyone else reading this.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: @JDX (was: Nearly 60 years ago, my parents started raising me.)

          "Your multi-great-Grandmother lived in East Africa, probably over 100,000 years ago. The same woman was also likely my multi-great-Grandmother[1]. Not a single family in the ensuing years seemed to have had a need for this kind of contraption. We ARE here, today, right?"

          By the same argument we don't need anything invented since the birth of man

          1. jake Silver badge

            Re: @JDX (was: Nearly 60 years ago, my parents started raising me.)

            "By the same argument we don't need anything invented since the birth of man"

            Of course! :-)

            Needs and wants and abilities are different things, though ... But good old homo-sap made it until not very long ago without what we now call "Modern Medicine" ... and we would continue on as a species without it, if it were to magically go away tomorrow.

            1. Sweep

              Re: @JDX (was: Nearly 60 years ago, my parents started raising me.)

              What do you reckon the infant mortality rate was 100,000 years ago?

              1. jake Silver badge

                @Sweep (was: Re: @JDX (was: Nearly 60 years ago, my parents started raising me.))

                You wonder: "What do you reckon the infant mortality rate was 100,000 years ago?"

                I dunno. Do we have stats from an electronic 100,000 year old teddy-bear? Until you can answer that, the question is pretty much moot, at least in this scenario & in this forum.

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Kids theses days

    We ne'er add no teddy bear, dint even no wat one wur. All we add wur a brick us dad 'd gi us fer ten seconds t'elp us go t'sleep, an if we wunt asleep in ten seconds eed hit us oer ed wi it.

    You wer lucky, you had a dad. Our cat 'd bring our brick.

    Brick? you wer lucky, we used t'dream of havin' a brick.

    Ay, when ah say brick ah mean...

  13. Scott Broukell
    Meh

    OMG what if . . . .

    . . . the teddy bears' fur harbors some nasty bacteria that will give little Tommy a bad tummy, or worse! Now I need a bug-monitor for the sterility of the teddy, where is this going to end!

    Or - have your kidz in a test tube/incubator and put them into a sealed bubble from birth, get fone appz and rest easy so you can fix your eyes to the smart TV for all that must-have advertainment and political messaging. Welcome to the 'modern' way.

    1. ukgnome
      Gimp

      Re: OMG what if . . . .

      It's OK, you can keep your child in an airtight bag - problem solved.

  14. Kanhef

    Worse than useless

    This will result in more neurotic parents freaking out over every slight variation in the kid's vital signs, because they don't have the medical knowledge necessary to understand what it means and what is or is not cause for concern. I wonder if some hospital executive is behind this, trying to see how many more urgent care visits they can get and bill for.

  15. Zog_but_not_the_first
    Childcatcher

    WTF?

    Won't somebody think of the children?

    Oh!

  16. Zog_but_not_the_first
    Unhappy

    Unintended consequences

    Wind forward ten years when "little Timmy" is on holiday in the Rockies with Mum and Dad. Walking through the woods, Timmy runs ahead and spots an old childhood friend...

  17. Billa Bong

    Finger monitor is good enough

    A child with asthma, so we have one to hand always. Couple of quid from eBay. The other children without asthma love it. Let's play "who can make their heart go the fastest by running round mad"... Let's play "what happens if I hold my breath".

    The only people I can see buying this teddy are misguided NHS management (who will pay 10x the price) and overly concerned parents who don't need to look at these stats 99% of the time and will worry when they do, even in the normal range. And when something *does* go wrong, asking where the f-ing teddy has gone isn't the best care provision. Reaching into the childs emergency bag for a 3xcmx3cmx4cm finger monitor is the answer.

  18. James Cullingham

    Made me think of this

    http://opalcp12.wikispaces.com/file/view/I+Always+Do+What+Teddy+Says.pdf

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    This can be extended to adult toys... next patent!!

    Device description: a device that is normally used to provide increased pleasure during moments of sexual self satisfaction that is fitted with a number of sensors that monitor the user's health by sampling body fluids, hearth rate and body temperature. It also automatically adjusts for different hearth rates according to the... um... context the user is in his/her device usage.

    Let's call it "adult health monitor"

    AC for obvious reasons.

    1. Mark 85

      Re: This can be extended to adult toys... next patent!!

      Ah.... AC because your patent hasn't been approved yet?

  20. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
    Childcatcher

    Snooping?

    It's creepy, but I can't find any mention anywhere in the article or at their website to reassure us that the data is not collected or sent outside of the teddy/phone-app closed loop.

    In these days of data snooping and "user is the product", I'd expect clear disclaimers saying the data never leaves the phone-app and that the processing is not done remotely on some server operated by the company. Absent those disclaimers, I can only assume that Big Ted is evil.

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Coffee/keyboard

    > "... so parents can fret more quickly and in a more informed fashion using the latest technology."

    That actually made me laugh out loud this morning.

    That's brightened my day, thanks.

  22. skeptical i
    Devil

    The name alone isn't creepy enough?

    Teddy the Guardian sounds like a comic book character, a beloved Teddy bear that got into a vat of radioactive marmalade and decided to go on a jihad against evildoers after seeing his companion Quackers the Calico Duck get chewed apart by the family dog.

    Agree with the above postings, whoever thought this up must only have kids in short visits and not 24/7 but will be laughing all the way to the bank.

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