back to article For sale: One 236-bed nuclear bunker

Readers looking for a spacious pad with plenty of accommodation, plus "male and female WCs, commercial kitchen facilities, BBC audio visual broadcasting facility, conference facilities, air filtration systems, conference rooms, decontamination chambers, plant rooms and oil storage", are directed to the sale of a former nuclear …

  1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    Visiting the link and scrolling down reveals a list of "similar properties". They're not that similar; they're all much better disguised as ordinary buildings.

    1. MyffyW Silver badge

      I know that buildings serving similar purposes are littered around the UK.

      And most seem to have been decommissioned.

      This leads me to speculate that in the event of Putin pressing the red button we'd be left with no regional government. I leave it to others to speculate whether this would be a bigger deal than the fact we'd also be left without food, water, shelter and Scooby Doo repeats.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        The new generation of bunker-buster bombs make these sort of shelters obsolete...I suspect that military/government have relocated to somewhat deeper/more secret bunkers elsewhere. It's still good for zombies though...

        1. MyffyW Silver badge

          @Moiety It's still good for zombies though...

          You've met my elected representatives then?

          1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

            > You've met my elected representatives then?

            Yup. On balance, zombies would be preferrable to members of the WAG. I've not met any of the Westminster subspecies but I suspect the same would hold..

        2. Fungus Bob

          Re: It's still good for zombies though...

          I'd hate to meet the mad scientist that needs 46,000 square feet to store his zombies!

        3. 2460 Something

          It's still good for zombies though.

          My first thought as well. Hey, if your going to survive the upcoming zombie apocalypse you need something with a good front door and space to spread out in.

      2. x 7

        "we'd also be left without food, water"

        FYI the emergency food buffer stores were all closed around 25 years ago, so the only food reserves now are what the supermarkets hold. Previously there were a number of large stores dotted around the country. One for instance was at Claughton near Lancaster - that was converted to making window security shutters some years ago

        Likewise the portable emergency large-scale bread bakeries (there were five in total, again regionally based) were all scrapped around the same time

        1. Tom 7

          X7 - Claughton

          Used to play in a monitoring bunker in Caton - just down the road. No food but loads of cider and beer!

          1. x 7

            Re: X7 - Claughton

            Tom - where actually was that? I see the records indicate around Bull Beck, but I can't think of any structure that would fit

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Presumably it would be good for raves / parties. Except I suspect that the emergency exit provision likely isn't that great...

  2. Pascal Monett Silver badge
    Coat

    "Security could be racked up if needed"

    Yup. Needs a zombie-proof wall if they hope to interest me.

    1. Peter2 Silver badge

      Re: "Security could be racked up if needed"

      I was looking at that ending sentence and wondering what exactly you could do to make a bunker designed to literally survive a nuclear apocalypse more secure.

      Presumably the original owners considered that in case of a nuclear apocalypse the locals might want to hang the leaders inside off the nearest standing lamp post and installed a door that would laugh at attempts to smash it in. It's not got windows, and it's largely buried underground. The nuclear bunker in Essex appeared to have a door with more armour than the main belt of an old fashioned battleship, and I suspect this one would be at least as secure!

    2. Doctor_Wibble
      Pint

      Re: "Security could be racked up if needed"

      Zombie-proofing requires a lot of internal segregation too, otherwise you just end up as part of a sealed-in ready meal...

      Also, the article is a lie in any case - a bunker does not have everything needed until the larder is properly stocked with a thousand crates of pork'n'beans and at least twice that amount of pot noodles. And water obviously but you can get that by mulching down the zombies in a condenser, possibly even adding some spare politicians if you get really desperate but that would need extra sterilisation.

      And obviously lots of beer. Because it's beer. And the more the better, just in case we prefer to drink ourselves to death after looking outside once all the dust has settled. Also, as a secondary water supply. Actually it's looking like beer is pretty much the ultimate survival thing, second only to to the in-flight magazine with the Robert Morley interview and a slice of orange peel.

      1. Danny 14

        Re: "Security could be racked up if needed"

        War. War never changes.

        The Romans waged war to gather slaves and wealth. Spain built an empire from its lust for gold and territory. Hitler shaped a battered Germany into an economic superpower.

        But war never changes.

  3. Voland's right hand Silver badge

    Ughh... I would stay away

    My first thought was "Datacenter conversion". Second thought was: "just how much asbestous is there in that thing". At that point, the first thought went away to never come back.

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

    2. Lee D Silver badge

      Re: Ughh... I would stay away

      Most schools that your children go to are teeming with asbestos. I know, I've been working IT in schools for the last 15 years.

      So long as you don't disturb it, it's absolutely fine. And the cost of removal/replacement is virtually twice as much as just building whatever it is again (e.g. kitchen ceiling, doors, etc.).

      Every school I know has an asbestos register (even if it's minimal and not in child-occupied areas), and all the larger contractors ask to see it if they need to drill holes.

      Next time you go to a school, look in the corners of the ceilings for little stickers or other markings. Very few ever pay to get rid of it, and it's only really damaging to contractors (who tend not to be allowed to do such work while children are on-site, asbestos or not).

      1. NipseMuscle

        Re: Ughh... I would stay away

        Why should the contractors be exposed to asbestos? It would be more reasonable to let some of the snivelling little bastards in the class rooms do the drilling for them.

    3. billse10

      Re: Ughh... I would stay away

      "My first thought was "Datacenter conversion"."

      Mine too - although my second wasn't asbestos, it was more along the lines of "great, a data centre where you can really hide from HMRC ...."

  4. Erik4872

    Interesting

    Looking back on the Cold War era, it's pretty amazing to see facilities like this. The assumption that anyone important could get to them in time seems quite absurd. You would need to start moving everyone at the first sign of a potential launch. That, and it would have to be maintained 24/7 to be fully ready. I can't imagine how much that cost.

    There was a very famous bunker in West Virginia that was decommissioned after the location was leaked, but it was built into the basement of a luxury mountain hotel. Getting even a few key people out of Washington DC and all the way across Virginia in the middle of a panic, even in military helicopters wouldn't seem to be possible to me.

    1. TheOtherHobbes

      Re: Interesting

      The plan was to move VIPs (as they thought themselves to be) to the bunkers while hostilities were still simmering, well before any danger of a launch. I think the UK had a plan staged over a couple of weeks.

      The problem was that none of the secret bunkers were really all that secret, so they might as well have had giant bullseyes painted on them.

      Even if not, a bunker full of useless little shits who made a career out of ordering people around but were unlikely to be good at anything practical would have made for some grimly dystopian moments as food, water, and fuel started running out, and the surviving military began to wonder if perhaps there ought to be a reassignment of critical resources.

      1. montyburns56

        Re: Interesting

        "The problem was that none of the secret bunkers were really all that secret, so they might as well have had giant bullseyes painted on them."

        Especially the former one at Hack Green which is marked as Secret Nuclear Bunker on OS maps!

        1. JamesPond

          Re: Interesting

          You'll also find that the USSR 'OS map' of the UK had significantly more detail than the British 'OS map' , especially around 'secret' installations!

          http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/02/23/kgb_maps_for_sale/

      2. Mark 85

        Re: Interesting

        Well, I think the plan was to put the politicos in the bunker for "safety". Then weld the doors shut. Once things have settled down a bit, ignore the bunker except to make sure the welds are still holding.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Interesting

          That's a good plan. Presumably there would be some communications links with those inside. Just send them "wow that's a bright flash....I think I'm blind....oh god I think its over for the human race" then pull the plug on all communication links.

          They'll think it is over for us poor bastards on the surface and won't even bother checking the door - if they found it welded shut they might have cutting tools that would allow them to get out given enough time so you want them to WANT to stay inside!

          1. 9Rune5

            Re: Interesting

            If you shut them all in and convince them the world has ended... Then there is a chance that any females present might let some of the politicians breed. Eventually they'll run out of food, and you will be left off with the mutant spawn feeding off eachother.

            Then, if the welds fail after a few decennia, we run the risk of a new breed of politicians emerging that are even more despicable than the ones we locked in the bunker to begin with. Sure, they might all perish inside, but even the remotest chance of survival (and subsequent escape) sends chills running down my spine.

            I would rather live next to a nuclear dump site that glows in the night.

            Of course, replacing the females inside the bunker with transvestites could work. A bit cruel perhaps, but all for a good cause.

            1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
              Gimp

              Re: Interesting

              "Then, if the welds fail after a few decennia, we run the risk of a new breed of politicians emerging..."

              Morlocks?

      3. Shred

        Re: Interesting

        I just had a vision of a world populated by the Golgafrinchams from Douglas Adams' "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy".

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Places_in_The_Hitchhiker's_Guide_to_the_Galaxy#Golgafrincham

      4. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Interesting

        Funny thing was a lot of the people who were destined for the bunkers didn't know they had been selected to be buried underground in a bunker. When a few people found out after the thawing of the Cold War that they'd been picked most said that they wouldn't have bothered and would have preferred to stay with the family instead.

  5. Ugotta B. Kiddingme

    how much extra

    for the optional faux volcano covering? After all, when one is transitioning to a new lair, one must still maintain expected standards of appearance with respect to "natural and/or geological detail"...

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: how much extra

      It's in Co Antrim so there's plenty of real lava (basalt) about, it's just rather cold and old.

  6. Martin Gregorie

    One obvious drawback

    I visited the nuclear bunker in Ongar, Essex a year or two back, one May. One of my main memories was that it was rather cold inside, so I think it would be a safe bet that the heating bills for this one, or any other underground nuclear bunker for that matter, would be astronomical.

    1. Simon Buttress

      Re: One obvious drawback

      I'm sure the decay heat would have made a bit of a contribution post-apocalypse...

    2. Roq D. Kasba

      Re: One obvious drawback

      Yet for a datacentre, what a result! The excess heat from the DC to warm the communal rooms.

    3. TheOtherHobbes

      Re: One obvious drawback

      Ground temperature is usually around 12C. But it's not great at dissipating heat, so if you throw enough heat at it for long enough it tends to stay there - see also overheating in London Tube tunnels, etc.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I know a couple of paranoid hobbits that would be interested as they think this big orange eye is chasing them for their wedding ring.

  8. Bota

    Amazing to have some fun with the wife though,

    "Babe can you grab my car keys, they're on the side"

    "There's 140 rooms, which f**king side?"

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    236-bed secure property for the price of a half-decent studio flat in Central London

    Something's wrong with the property market here!

    1. MyffyW Silver badge

      Re: 236-bed secure property for the price of a half-decent studio flat in Central London

      Something's wrong with the property market here!

      Amen. It's probably because plans to extend cross-rail to County Antrim are some years away, hun.

  10. SolidSquid

    Of course there's still the big question. Can you get cable or are you stuck with phone lines for the internet connection?

    1. Peter Simpson 1
      Happy

      Internet connection: multichannel 5-level Teletype.

      Over wired or HF, your choice.

      Antennas may need repair.

    2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
      Joke

      It has it's own BBC transmission suite. You should at least be able to get iPlayer.

  11. Woodgie

    I would LOVE to own it

    I don't know why, I have no use for it but it's a total I WANT!

    I suppose, like others, I just harbour dreams of having my own Bond Villain pad.

    1. h4rm0ny

      Re: I would LOVE to own it

      Same here. I realized there aren't many (any?) female bond villains. Not lead villains. Would quite like to be the first.

      1. BebopWeBop

        Re: I would LOVE to own it

        I see your point, they do tend to be villainserfs (although see Electra King). But the female villains do have a HDQ (high deadly quotient)

  12. Duncan Macdonald

    Not very well protected

    The structure is only covered by 1 metre of earth so it is only usable if there is no nearby attack.

    (If you want a REAL nuclear bomb shelter - look at Dinorwig power station - given its location in the heart of a mountain it could probably withstand a direct hit by a megaton nuke.)

    1. Neil Barnes Silver badge
      Mushroom

      Obligatory RAH:

      "I think we should stop dropping rocks on Cheyenne Mountain - it isn't there any more..."

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I have to say.....

    If I were in the eye for a property opportunity for a new home, I'd buy it without a seconds hesitation.

    It'd be a fantastic place to live, and you would easily make back your costs by organising 'survival simulation packages' where you could offer a simulated experience of a nuclear attack for, say, two weeks. Each person attending for the two weeks would be given the role of a government RHQ bod, and tasked with ensuring their job was handled as best as they could.

    Get a couple of scripts written and have problems passed to them via the VHF / HF sets for them to deal with, put them through the rationing experience, and watch how quickly things start going wrong as the 'outside situation' starts deteriorating.

    Fuck.

    1. Danny 14

      Re: I have to say.....

      there is a live role play type thing called "watch the skies" that does exactly that. Teams are allocated to countries where you do a sort of xcom thing over a weekend. Good fun, not your average pen and paper nerdy thing.

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Just Hope

    That what ever ICBM was target for this side was reset, or it will be nice and toasty for a long time if the sh*t hits the fan.

  15. Ian Halstead

    Welding equipment... check.

    If the balloon had gone up in the 80s, I made sure I knew where the local bunker was, and where I could get hold of heavy duty welding equipment and lengths of railway track at very short notice.

    Bunker... tomb... two words easily confused.

  16. EL Vark

    Heckuva Deal

    Exactly what you want when the Leprechauns rise up. It's only a matter of time.

  17. Professur

    Is it on city water? What are the taxes like?

  18. x 7

    Ideal site for large-scale BDSM roleplay

    Make a heck of a holiday theme park - chained up underground with a hundred wicked women all waiting to whip you. In the bunker no-one can hear you cream.........

    1. theOtherJT Silver badge

      You're thinking of Vault 69...

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Given the traditionally male make up of NI politics / the NIO when the cold war was simmering, Vault 96 would've been more like it.

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    preserving government

    If you can find a copy, 'Beneath the city streets' by Peter Laurie makes sense of a lot of the bunker network. He did some great detective work on bunkers, hardened telecoms networks and exchanges and various tunnels. At the time (1972) the general accuracy of missiles led to the conclusion that a nuclear attack on the UK (given an escalating lead-up) would be largely survivable and after around 10 years would leave the country better off.

    Improvements in targetting and target locating (Uncle Vanya on a walking tour with his gps) made it all nonsense. So the secret investment in things that didn't exist could be redeployed to buying elections, rewarding friends and trebles all round.

    1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

      Re: preserving government

      At the time, the general "accuracy" of ICBMs was what prompted the drive for hydrogen bombs in the multi-megaton range. If the yield is high enough, "close enough" is close enough.

      (Anyone remember Dr. Strangelove? I'd like to have one of those "World Targets in Megadeaths" ring binders. And if you think Kubrick made up stuff like that for a laugh, think again.)

      1. Sgt_Oddball

        Re: preserving government

        Aww now I have to go dig up my copy of defcon to remind my self of how grim statistics can be.

        1. theOtherJT Silver badge

          Re: preserving government

          I had the misfortune to work on digitising the catalogue at my local library around the turn of the millennium. This involved actually pulling everything off the shelves and making sure it matched what it said it was in the card catalogue before updating the computer records.

          One of the things I turned up at the time was a published collection of "survivability statistics" from the late 70s that it seemed everyone had forgotten about. Made for quite frightening reading. I seem to recall that given the high population density of the UK and locations of various "likely targets" the estimates were for about 98% casualties over the first year in the even of a "limited" (which they defined as "Not deliberately targeting population centres") nuclear attack. The initial casualties from the explosions/radiation weren't even the big numbers. What they expected to kill most people was starvation and disease after the national infrastructure broke down over the course of the first year.

  20. Oengus

    I want it

    As a previous person said... "I don't know why exactly but I want it".

    I think it would make a fun B&B or hotel... (I seem to remember there being something about a bunker being converted to a zero star hotel somewhere).

  21. JamesPond

    £/ft2

    That has got to be one of the cheapest properties in the UK in terms of pounds sterling per square foot (or m2 if you prefer). In my neck of the woods, which is one of the cheapest areas to live in the UK, the average house price is £175k for roughly 5000sq ft which is roughly 3x more than this bunker.

    Not sure how much heating & lighting will cost, but at least you save on the window cleaner bills.

  22. ShortLegs

    It's worth the asking price just for the tins of babies heads and cheese possessed alone! Original 70s issue compo... hmmmmmmm!

  23. TeeCee Gold badge
    Happy

    Interesting.

    "Security could be racked up if needed."

    That would suggest that I could have frikkin' lasers on it, so just one question then:

    Does it have a shark pool?

  24. old man

    jwmurphymurphy15@gmail.com

    Bunker near Stansted has got to be stupidest.It's based in a wooded area but entrance is hidden as a council house auxiliary generator is hidden in a mock ruined church on a nearby hill. Good so far

    But then main power supply delivered by three separate strings of pylons diving into ground above secret underground bunker and if you still couldn't find it a 200 foot aerial tower on top. At its best in the 70s it was guarded by 700 troops with shoot on sight orders. It is well sign posted though with,this way to secret bunker, now they do guided tours so not a total waste of money.

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Looks like a great place...

    ...to hide during the rise and fall of der Trumpenfuhrer's fourth reich.

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