PHP makes me want to scoop my eyes out with a stick

PHP is, quite simply, a crawling horror. It was conceived as a filthy hack by people who couldn't get their heads around PERL* but who somehow felt that, despite this, they were competent to specify a language and write a parser.

They were wrong.

Unfortunately for the rest of us, there were lots of other people in a similar position, and they flocked to it, as web developers are wont to do with whatever the trendy 'next big thing' happens to be. But as any fule kno (and any freetard will repeatedly explain to you until you bludgeon them to death with something), just because something achieves widespread adoption and market domination doesn't mean that it's any good.

If PHP were a song, it would be the bastard child of two bottles of thunderbird and a rhyming dictionary.

Really, it's that bad.

*HINT: This is why the PHP syntax is almost, but not entirely, quite unlike PERL.