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* Posts by ukgnome

1660 posts • joined 16 Jun 2011

G4S call centre staff made 'test' 999 calls to hit performance targets

ukgnome
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Who hasn't used this method to help the helpdesk with their stats in return for chocolate ;-)

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UK.gov pays four fellows £35k to do nothing for three months

ukgnome
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I know of a chap that is employed by the local council as a CRT repair tech. He has been there for years and is on a very good contract. Although they don't have any CRT at the council, but he is far too expensive to be made redundant.

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How IT are you? Find out now in our HILARIOUS quiz!

ukgnome
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How IT are you?

D, keep them on the phone as long as humanly possible and involve as much tedious small talk as you can muster. In between the tedium try and get as may Monty Python quotes in without being obvious. Gauge their own assumed knowledge with near incomprehensible babble about flooded packet gateways, network degradation based on 443htz bleed-through from the local communications tower. Things like this will heavily dissuade idiots from calling you again.

Sometimes it's worth a small effort.

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Flying Spaghetti Monster is not God, rules mortal judge

ukgnome
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Let Us Pray

Our saucer which art in a colander, draining be Your noodles.

Thy noodle come, Thy meatballness be done on earth, as it is meaty in heaven.

Give us this day our daily sauce,

and forgive us our lack of piracy, as we pirate and smuggle against those who lack piracy with us.

And lead us not into vegetarianism, but deliver us from non-red meat sauce.

For thine is the colander, the noodle, and the sauce,

forever and ever.

R'Amen.

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Britain is sending a huge nuclear waste shipment to America. Why?

ukgnome
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So are you saying....

Maybe we are now able to admit that the reason we have nuclear power stations is in fact just to make bombs. We never achieved cheap and reliable electricity production did we. The whole global mess is basically because America wanted to show Japan it's penis and declare it bigger than theirs.

Anyone who agues back saying - No UKgnome, America had to show it's big penis because Germany was working on a big penis of it's own has never read any history books of any kind.

*apologies for penis analogies but I have been listening to a lot of Richard Herring

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We bet your firm doesn't stick to half of these 10 top IT admin tips

ukgnome
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tailgate - oh the joys

When I worked for EDS I once prevented someone from tailgating. They were very persuasive in their argument as to why they should be allowed through the back door. I explained that as they din't have their pass I couldn't verify that they should be in the building. I was extremely polite to the point of sickly as I explained that they should visit reception and have them allow them entry to the building. I thought nothing of this until I was asked to report to the UK managers office.

Yep, I had prevented the manager from entering her own building. This had made her late for the EMEA meeting as the big directors had visited. They were delighted that I had stopped her, and weirdly I ended up with a gold day for my ruthless door barring.

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Truly crap exhibition dumped on Isle of Wight

ukgnome
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In the little shop after the museum can you buy Scratch and Sniff postcards?

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'Panama papers' came from email server hack at Mossack Fonseca

ukgnome
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Oh my - I am so surprised that the over privileged few have taken steps to hide their money affairs and have cheated taxation systems in their native countries. Surely they are all above board types that are beyond reproach?

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Waiting for your Oculus to arrive? Yeah, it's going to be some time

ukgnome
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Gimp

Re: Be careful who you let use this

You haven't visited porn hub recently then.

I did, as I was erm looking for a friend or summink.

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Domino's trials trundling four-wheeled pizza delivery bot

ukgnome
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This is why the robots will rebel

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Woz waxwork weady to woll

ukgnome
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Shirley

beating OFF Elon Musk, George Lucas, Larry Page, Sheryl Sandberg and Marissa Mayer

much funnier

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David Cameron hints at Budget law change to end mobile not-spots

ukgnome
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Part of the charm of living in the Norfolk Broads is the lack of mobile phone coverage. If they can hide the masts so they don't blot the landscape then yeah maybe...

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Is there anything left to ask Bill Gates? (Other than gissus a million?)

ukgnome
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Didn't any one ask him what he thought about Donald J Fart and his plan to get Bill to close of the internets?

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Essex cop abused police IT systems to snoop on his in-laws

ukgnome
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Coat

Shouldn't he of been looking for outlaws?

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LOHAN sponsor knocks up nifty iMac fish tank

ukgnome
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pretty

I wonder if Carlos the Boss would let me have one.

Also have you considered asking Red Bull to lend a hand with the twazzocks that control the skies? They seem to get their way.

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Brit firm unleashes drone-busting net cannon

ukgnome
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So it's basically a spud cannon.

Time to get some downpipe and a can of hairspray and head down the park.

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EMC: Make like the Doctor's Tardis and virtualise telecoms

ukgnome
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Only the Doctors TARDIS or will any timelord time capsule do?

Does it have to be a type 40 Mk3?

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No tit for tat, or should that be tat for tit ... Women selling stuff on eBay get lower bids

ukgnome
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Re: Please explain to me

Well the explanation was in the article, you do read the article right, or are you just a clicker?

To demonstrate the claim, the two researchers conducted a pair of experiments, the first demonstrating that users can positively identify the gender of a seller based on factors including the types of goods sold and user names, about 56 per cent of the time, while being unable to make a determination 35 per cent of the time and wrong just 9 per cent.

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Carolina cop cuffed for 'carjacking'

ukgnome
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erm hello he was watching a married couple - so I think you will find that's Mrs Conduct!

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Plane food sees pilot grounded by explosive undercarriage

ukgnome
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It can't be easy landing a 747 with a runny jobby in your undercrackers

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Helpdesk? I have a software problem. And a GRIZZLY BEAR problem

ukgnome
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Re: Bears vs. alligators+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

well when I did on-call at a chemical factory I had seagulls of every size to contend with. I would rather bears or crocodiles.

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Feds look left and right for support – and see everyone backing Apple

ukgnome
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Re: Let's help you out then :)

If the government said it is now the law to keep a downstairs window open just in case they couldn't get into your house then I am sure you would jump down pretty quick off that fence.

If all you stored on your phone was dick pics and mates numbers then fine, brute crack the life out of it, but it's probably harbouring more data than your laptop.

Now as I understand things, this device was a work device, so maybe as a compromise all work phones should be crackable. What's that feds? you don't want anyone cracking your work phones? cake and eat it springs to mind, and no you can't have the cake.

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'Hobbit' heads aren't human says bone boffin

ukgnome
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Re: I don't want to imply it's Aliens

Ancient Aliens?

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Ofcom must tackle 'monopolistic' provider BT, says shadow digital minister Chi Onwurah

ukgnome
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Re: Competition is great...

I totally agree, but where is the value, sorry I mean profit?

My sub-exchange caters for 500 homes. If they upgraded the kit when would they see a return on the investment. Likewise why would another provider ask for some rack space when they are unlikely to see a return in any time soon.

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Firemen free chap's todger from four-ring chokehold

ukgnome
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Re: Oh well, in that case:

http://www.amazon.com/Talking-Cock-Richard-Herring/dp/1560256087

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Silent Nork satellite tumbling in orbit

ukgnome
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That's my point - if you have them and you don't use them then they are of no use. Better to get rid and save a truck load of cash.

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ukgnome
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That's the thing about nukes - if you have them then you might as well use them. Now I think we all agree that would be a dick move, but at least they didn't have this cash resource doing nothing. Nukes are expensive ornaments. Upon detecting the North Korean nuke the bigger dick move would be to retaliate. As retaliation means everyone is fucked.

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What took you so long, Twitter? Micro blogging site takes on the trolls

ukgnome
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IT Professionals are Dead

Thank fuck I am an amateur then - seriously can someone get that guys IP address and send him some meds.

hashtag winkyface

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Ready for a nostalgia kick? Usborne has put its old computer books on the web for free

ukgnome
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syntax error

pass me my emulator and a large glass of milk, for tonight I receive a syntax error from my childhood!

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Who would code a self-destruct feature into their own web browser? Oh, hello, Apple

ukgnome
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Pagan ceremony is no good when tackling browser issues, what you need is dark magic.

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Mystery hacker hijacks Dridex Trojan botnet... to serve antivirus installer

ukgnome
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Re: Bah!

but Trump wants Bill Gates to close parts of the internet.....you cannot avoid the Trump!

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Did you know ... Stephen Fry has founded a tech startup?

ukgnome
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Owl or Sky?

I love that SF likes tech and enthuses.

I love that he's a wit, and a lot of fun.

But for crying out loud it seems like someone should assist with his portfolio.

*that is not an offer BTW merley an observation

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Google ninjas go public with security holes in Malwarebytes antivirus

ukgnome
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@jason 7 : Scanning it will not execute anything.

When I had my small business I used to do all that and frankly what a massive waste of time. I am sure you have a lot of success. I am also sure you have a lot of repeat customers. The fact that you are unaware of how viruses propagate is worrying. MBR viruses have been around for a while and I am doubtful that you are paying heed to them correctly. MBR and VBR can and do still propagate through sloppy techniques such as the one you describe, I hope your BIOS is up to date. You allude to using a sandboxed machine for your wiping activities - I am keen to know how you get your virus definitions updated. You must spend so much time rebuilding that particular device. The only way to be sure is a rebuild and education thereafter. Even though corporations have enterprise anti-virus and a workforce of drones you wouldn't expect them to be happy with an anti-virus removal. Peoples data is worth so much, be it corporations or private individual, and you would be well to remember that. A better solution for you would be to back up the customer data onto your sandbox machine (then scanned) and then a rebuild of the customers device. Not only could you charge a little extra, but your customers would appreciate this extra level of precaution.

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ukgnome
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sigh - the idea of an AV is to prevent an infection.

There is a difference between an Anti-Virus and a Malware scan and removal tool.

No one has suggested that the Malware scan and removal is at risk, and everyone agrees that this is quite good. As for viruses....well, if you have one then your AV is poor, popping out the drive into a clean machine and running through several different scans is one of the single dumbest things. The only safe way to deal with that infected machine is a clean install.

Why would you risk another machine by mounting the infected drive in it? Think about it, now think really really hard.

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BT blames 'faulty router' for mega outage. Did they try turning it off and on again?

ukgnome
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Faulty Router?

Faulty excuse - like everyone has said, when you have a SPOF you have a problem. As for openreach, it's not totally their fault. Take my sub-exchange for instance, it serves 500 houses. That's not many, but most of them are close enough to connect directly to it. There isn't space for the roadside furniture to sit. So what often happens is that openreach cable up the exchange and then find themselves in the predicament of not having a cabinet to fibre up. It would be prohibitive to fibre to the premises so they need another solution.

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BT broadband is down: Former state monopoly goes TITSUP UK-wide

ukgnome
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Mushroom

Also Virgin-Media are having a few niggles.....it's ISIS isn't it!

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Danish Sith Lord fined in Galactic Republic rumpus

ukgnome
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sloppy reporting!

who won? What is the size of the galactic republic, when does it get added to the units of measurement.

I DEMAND TO KNOW!

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El Reg nips down to the Hewlett You Inn?

ukgnome
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I genuinely laugh....and it's monday!

Admiring your parcel technique. It left me feeling fulfilled.

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BT airs out new business structure as it digests EE

ukgnome
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Does this mean an improved coverage in some of those awkward parts of the country - namely most of it?

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Original USS Enterprise model set to boldly go… on display

ukgnome
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I could never understand having the nacelles on pylons. It looks like it gives the ship a bigger target for stray torpedo. Something like the USS reliant just made more sense.

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SpaceX breaks capsule 'chute world record

ukgnome
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If only we could construct a reusable vehicle that could glide in the Earthen atmosphere. It could be used to shuttle astronauts back and forth.

If Only.....

If we did I would name it the Space BusPlane

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BT scoops £100m network provision deal from the BBC

ukgnome
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Re: Couldn't be worse

Ahh that's a simple mistake to make, you thought it was BT that was providing the service but in fact it turned out to be BT, if they hadn't of succeeded then in all likelihood it would of been BT but not that BT the other BT. As it turned out it was BT that got the job.

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'Printer Ready'. Er… you actually want to print? What, right now?

ukgnome
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Are they still called printers if they don't print?

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Major Hollywood studio eyes Paint Drying sequel

ukgnome
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NO! I was running through puns, but for the sake of forum entries NO!

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Feds slap Rentboy.com boss with further charges

ukgnome
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Re: Slight error in article...

+1 sir, as you beat me to it!

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Virginia man charged in intriguing 'suspicious bacon' case

ukgnome
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Re: Injected with Water?

Speaking as a vegetarian

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU EATING?

Like everyone else has mentioned - you must be eating the cheapest crappiest bacon ever.

If a vege can point this out, then you have issues dude!

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ukgnome
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Re: possession of bacon covered in an unknown substance

'Merkins discombobulated by Brown Sauce perhaps?

Oh heck no, you can buy the glorious HP in the hallowed walmartian stores

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Afraid of getting your iThing pwned? Get yourself iOS 9.2.1

ukgnome
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Re: Apple Updates

Which is why I have made a note to re-read this article next week and thus maintain the status quo

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LOHAN takes the stage at Oz Linux shindig

ukgnome
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Does it have to be those rocket motors?

Surely you can adapt, it's been quite a long while now.

Some of us invested in the kickstarter have lost enthusiasm.

If this was my workplace the project would of been scrapped.

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Trump's new thought bubble: Make Apple manufacture in the USA

ukgnome
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Joke

Does this mean we can get Trump out of Scotland?

Shouldn't be difficult, them neeps get me windy

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