Biblical justice

Yes, folks -- an eye for an eye.

What about PowerDesk?

OK, it's not free, although it is, right now, on a promotion:

http://www.mydigitallife.info/avanquest-powerdesk-pro-7-free-download-with-registration-license-code/

You can get either version 7 or 8 -- or both. They will email you a license.

It's a file manager, a file finder, an archiver and even an FTP program.

I've used it since version 2.x on Win 3.1, and I consider it essential.

Politically-incorrect dictionary entry

pedophile -- a hard drive record of your daily walking outings

Sorry, Brtis -- that's the US spelling.

Even more frightening

Imagine how dangerous a Lenovo blade server could be!

(Why do I always have to be the one?)

Yeah, I'm doin' it again

That's what the IT department gets for hiring a Whiz Kid!

Well, somebody had to post this

"The Register is making inquiries to learn if the Playa can cope with common condom sizes, namely Huge, Gigantic, Colossal and Enormous. ®"

con-do-min-i-um [kon-duh-min-ee-uhm]

noun

the smallest size

Giving the electric company remote control

Dumb meter: You don't pay your bill, and the electric company sends someone out to disconnect your power.

Smart meter: Someone else doesn't pay his bill, and someone at the electric company hits a wrong key on a keyboard, and your power is turned off.

Dumb meter: The electric company monitors and records your total electric use during each billing period.

Smart meter: The electric company monitors and records your electric usage continuously.

If you still don't get it, then watch "Brazil" and read/watch "1984."

Why do I always have to be the one?

(Overheard office pissing contest)

"Oh, yeah, that's nothin'. My cuff links to..."

OK, OK, so it's an old one

Stu and Artie are loitering outside their local A&P. To break the boredom, Stu challenges his friend -- "I'll give you a dollar to choke the next three blokes who come by."

Artie puts the first guy into a choke hold, snaps his windpipe, and the guy falls to the ground, dead. The same with the next two.

An outraged citizen calls the cops, who arrest the assailant.

The headline in the next morning's paper read, "Artie chokes three for a dollar at A&P."

I hate to break it to you folks...

...however, the readership stats have nothing to do with the quality of the articles on El Reg.

Rather, it is the increasing level of sophistication of the puns in the comments that is attracting your audience.

If you don't understand what I'm talking about, then get thee to a punnery!

If you use a credit/debit card...

...does that make it a cashless Clay boxing match?

Wow -- 64 comments thus far!

Postings about P2P file sharing always come in torrents, don't they?

A different perspective

I see it as coming from the Puritan work ethic standpoint. That is, it's immoral to get anything for free.

Whether it's P2P ifle sharing or copying computer program disks or movie DVDs or using a box to decrypt cable TV or satellite TV, it's all the same: We should have to pay for anything that we get.

It's not about lost revenue -- it's about morality. That's why rational arguments on either side of the so-called piracy issue never go anywhere -- they are irrelevant.

What the opponents of so-called piracy are really saying is that it is a sin, and that so-called pirates are sinners.

Yes, I should be ashamed

Miss Piggy's phone rings, and she picks it up.

"[cough cough cough] I'm sorry -- I had a frog in my throat."

When the cops confronted the thief...

...did they order, "Blow it out your ass?"

This reminded me of the old one about the nurse who shoved a thermometer up between her legs and rectum.

Sensible advice

When evaluating something like that "don't fry your balls with your mobe" poster, check to see if the information is sourced. If it's not, then it is probably bogus.

By applying this simple standard, one should always be able to telephony.

This one is even worse

boffin [bof-in]

noun

1. one who bofs.

boff [bof]

verb

1. to cause to be overcome with laughter.

My puns are the pits

vi-per [vahy-per]

noun

1. one who vipes.

Why has everyone else missed this?

Every new technology is immediately glommed onto by the military/security state.

Forget for a moment using it as a platform for launching rockets. Rather, think in terms of using fleets of these units instead of orbiting surveillance satellites over a nation's own territory and also over the open seas. (Perish the thought that one country would violate another country's air space, right?)

Cameras, radio receivers and other sensors at 100,000 feet would be far smaller and lighter in weight than equivalent devices on a geostationary satellite at ~23,000 miles. They could be launched on a just-in-time basis. Without the need for a ground-launched rocket and a launch facility, they would be dirt cheap, too.

The total surveillance world is about to gain a "neat" new enabling toy.

("The spawn of satan" icon is appropriate, right?")

Well, somebody had to say it

Isn't it obvious?

What prompted Phones4u to run that ad was, erm, the prophet motive.

Diarrhea is hereditary

It runs in the jeans.

(And there's no mystery about the dispersal point.)

I hate to be a language usage Nazi...

...however...

"The load in question was travelling between Columbus, Ohio and a breeding facility in Laredo, Texas..."

...should read...

"The LOADS in question WERE travelling between Columbus, Ohio and a breeding facility in Laredo, Texas..."

tsk

1) One of the two words that you can play in Scrabble, when all that you have is consonants.

2) An interjection, used to express contempt for comments that don't meet your own high standards.

Reviving the antiwar movement

Given that we're getting nowhere, marching, blogging, writing letters to congress critters about the obscene loss of human life in our wars in Afghanistan, Iraq, Pakistan, Yemen, Somalia, etc...

Perhaps someone could snap a photo of Obama's swatting a fly. Then we could sic PETA on him!

IMHO...

...the spat between PETA and Go Daddy is just a pachyderm nonsense.

BTW, if you subscribe to PETA's xxx site, will they respond with a "Wank You" note?

Don't let a good elephant go bad

Eat it today, before it spoils.

(I can hear the humor-challenged, trying to shame me with, "Tusk, tusk!")

Deja vu all over again?

Am I the only one here who remembers the "look-and-feel" lawsuits of the 80s?

Lotus sued companies that cloned 1-2-3. Apple sued Digital Research, Inc. over GEM. (Apple even claimed that the trash can was proprietary!)

Now, nearly 30 years hence, we are being treated to "Look-and-Feel II -- The Sequel," soon to be playing at a courtroom near you.

Shakespeare got it wrong. First, kill the people who hire the lawyers!

This is just a guess

For most of the victims, the browser of choice is Internet Explorer.

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2011/07/29/aptiquant_iq_survey/

@ Fred Flintsone

A truly diabolical All/April Fools/Fool's Day prank is to add a line to the end of the auto-correct file, so that "the" is "corrected" to "teh."

The result is that, regardless of whether the victim types "the" or "teh," he always ends up with "teh."

Adding to the mayhem is that co-workers and tech support flunkies are unlikely to be familiar with this gotcha!

@ Red Bren

"The BBC are wasting MY hard-earned licence fee (Telly Tax more like!!!) to hire pointless pencil pushers who do NOTHING all day accept looking at the Internet!..."

"The BBC is," perhaps?

"...pointless pencil pushers..." Aren't there any pencil sharpeners in the BBC offices?

"...who do NOTHING all day accept looking at the Internet!..." This gaffe was truly exceptional!

I finally figured out...

...why el reg included the Paris Hilton icon in its collection.

They anticipated that, at some future date, some one-armed bloke in Belarus might give her the clap.

I'm leaving now...

A step backward

In the old (pre-80s) days of computing, a mainframe hosted the OS, the apps and the data, and users accessed the system with dumb terminals.

Then came the era of the PC, with OS, apps and data on each machine, with a central file server to store and access data.

There was a transitional phase, when companies opted for off-site backup services.

Now we have the cloud. It functions like a mainframe, and PCs function like dumb terminals.

When using the off-site data backup or the cloud, the first trade-off is security. With all data on-site, all employees are on-site, too. (Yes, there are people who work off-site; however, their hiring is done by the company.) Businesses can screen potential employees; they can't screen potential employees of cloud companies. That's an aspect of the on-site/off-site debate that others haven't addressed.

The second trade-off that occurs to me is the one-size-fits-nobody cloud apps. For instance, one of my clients is a medical transcription business. They use a third-party medical dictionary in Word. They're stuck with Windows and Word and the third-party spell-checker. Just as they can't use Linux and a Linux office word processing app, a general-purpose cloud word processing app, even if it were high end, would be useless to them.

The cloud is a forward-into-the-past move back to the era of the mainframe, without the security provided by an on-site system.

A step backward

In the old (pre-80s) days of computing, a mainframe hosted the OS, the apps and the data, and users accessed the system with dumb terminals.

Then came the era of the PC, with OS, apps and data on each machine, with a central file server to store and access data.

There was a transitional phase, when companies opted for off-site backup services.

Now we have the cloud. It functions like a mainframe, and PCs function like dumb terminals.

When using the off-site data backup or the cloud, the first trade-off is security. With all data on-site, all employees are on-site, too. (Yes, there are people who work off-site; however, their hiring is done by the company.) Businesses can screen potential employees; they can't screen potential employees of cloud companies. That's an aspect of the on-site/off-site debate that others haven't addressed.

The second trade-off that occurs to me is the one-size-fits-nobody cloud apps. For instance, one of my clients is a medical transcription business. They use a third-party medical dictionary in Word. They're stuck with Windows and Word and the third-party spell-checker. Just as they can't use Linux and a Linux office word processing app, a general-purpose cloud word processing app, even if it were high end, would be useless to them.

The cloud is a forward-into-the-past move back to the era of the mainframe, without the security provided by an on-site system.

"dromedaries?"

Oops -- I misread that as "dromedairies."

You know, the places where you go to buy camel milk.

Methane really burns my arse

On this planet,there are over six billion humans, belching, farting and pooping, and yet the global warming cult fraudsters are wasting tax money on studying bovine-produced methane.

Methinks that they are giving us a bum steer.

Methane really burns my arse

On this planet,there are over six billion humans, belching,farting and pooping, and yet the global warming cult fraudsters are wasting tax money on studying bovine-produced methane.

Methinks that they are giving us a bum steer.

Why do I always have to be the one?

The bloke was a brazen, unrepentant, erm, pedalphile.

That reminds me of the one about the cycling prostitute who pedal'd her arse all over town.

Yes, I'm leaving now.

"an invisible judgment day"

Saturday was "an invisible judgment day" in which a spiritual judgment took place, he said. But the timing and the structure is the same as it has always been, he said.

"We've always said May 21 was the day, but we didn't understand altogether the spiritual meaning," he said. "May 21 is the day that Christ came and put the world under judgment."

Radio host now says Judgment Day coming in October

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/43140373/?gt1=43001

* * * * *

We all knew that Camping would invent some explanation, and now the mystery is solved. However, I consider it likely that he had already come up with that explanation, prior to the (non)event.

Given that there have been no media reports of the sighting of Christ on that date, are we to assume that the invisible Christ came (never mind) and conducted the invisible judgment day?

And, yes, I am having way too much fun with this!

What about the left-behind pets?

Good ol' American entrepreneurship stepped up to fill the void. Businesses sprouted up, all over the USA, offering to take care of the left-behind pets, for a fee.

It occurred to me that, if a person named Ken were to offer such a service, then his motto would be "Ken'll care for your pets."

In response to the above from me, slatsz, a poet friend of mine, composed the following:

Kennel Kare

Sinful Ken

Won’t be captured by the rapture.

Have no regrets

Ken’ll care for all your pets.